UNFORTUNATELY, I GOT BETTER
April 9 2026
This is a story about drugs and God. Confusing proving a point with self-sabotage, getting caught between escape and truth, and giving in to what I always ran from.
What inspired me to write this was going to Miami Music Week this year. My little sister and I went to Miami just the two of us to see an edm show in Wynwood and had the best night ever. However, I’ve had so many thoughts during and after experiencing that for the first time and I wanna talk about it. Leading up to it, I was a little anxious about going, I just had no idea what to expect. I LOVE EDM when I’m at the gym or driving or literally anywhere, but I also get overstimulated sometimes. I was worrying about being in the crowd while it’s super stuffy, music blaring, and me just feeling nauseous. But when my sister and I walked in, it was super open, I immediately saw paramedics at every corner, people had fans and were constantly fanning everyone…it killed my irrational thoughts right away. But what had me thinking up until writing this was seeing the normalization of drugs. Being around drugs wasn’t surprising– I’ve done lots of em. It was just how little it seemed to cost anyone. Like it didn’t follow everyone home. For me it always did.
A lot led up to this, but for the sake of this story, I’ll start where I’m 18. It’s 2020. Being a teenager in Jupiter Florida means growing up too fast, kids living spoiled off money that isn’t theirs, and whose parents don’t give a shit what they’re up to. Not all teenagers of Jupiter live like that. I didn’t, but I was friends with kids who did, so comparing was inevitable. Growing up with super strict parents, I obviously became sneaky and even more curious. I was never not grounded. So as I approached becoming an adult, there was a lot of spite in me. At the time, it felt like motivation but ultimately it was spite. From my vast experience of smoking weed, being prescribed a couple antidepressants, and trying psychedelics, I thought I knew everything at 18 years old. Feeling angry with my family and reckless with myself, I stepped into another level of drugs and a nothing-to-lose mindset. Covid was going on, so all I did was hangout and party. Life didn’t even feel real at that time. Not really understanding who was paying for anything, or the significance of my reputation, I thought this was me stepping up the ladder. My parents had basically disowned me for the time being, so I finally had the “freedom” I was missing.
We’re gonna skim over the nitty gritty for now, I’ll just leave it at the fact that I literally pulled myself through drug withdrawals and addiction without anyone ever really knowing how serious it was. I felt like I couldn’t die, but didn’t care if I did either. I hid behind this persona of being wild and owning that embodiment before anyone else could use it against me. Doing drugs and putting myself in harm’s way in an attempt to prove something, not even for myself. Honestly sounds about right. I guess when you don’t know what you’re trying to say, you find other ways to say it.
Through the lowest lows, I knew I was better than this life and this crowd of people I kept finding myself in. As I was in the process of going from awareness to implementation, I met someone. That someone became my boyfriend for 5 years. And as much as I don’t want to make it about this, I gotta give credit where it’s earned. Meeting him did influence me significantly to be better. I had already come to the necessary realizations and taken multiple steps back from the life I was living before we met. But I slowly became the best version of myself through finally being able to foresee a life worth striving for. For the first time ever, I didn’t just see black when I envisioned my future.
Over the years, I gained more awareness and became less resemblant of everything I used to identify so heavily with. It was a ‘2 steps forward, 1 step back’ type of journey, but I found God. The more I matured, I realized how careless I really was with my life, and how lucky I am to still be alive. I ever so slowly, shifted from a ‘Universe, all religions have truth’ mindset, to a trust that there is only one God and He will never fail you. The deeper I walked into that, the clearer I’ve been able to see. This isn’t to shove Christianity down your throat for you reading this, I just wouldn’t be telling the whole story if I didn’t include this in my account of how I got here.
Knowing that I’ve been given a new chance every day, despite how long I turned my shoulder to any possible reach towards goodness, brings me such a strong sense of gratitude, I feel undeserving of it at times.
Now with all that in mind, we’re back in Miami Music week of 2026. It’s been at least 6 years since I’ve done any drug besides smoking weed. Everyone I know who’s there, who has bigger responsibilities than I do, is doing molly, ketamine, coke… having the best time. I didn’t even think about doing it that night, but it was enticing to think about for the next show or festival. Once we were back from Miami and back to our normal routine, I was genuinely in my head for several days over the idea of doing that stuff with them in the future… As stupid as it sounds, because not doing drugs should be common sense, I was experiencing growth in one of its many uncomfortable forms. Back when I would partake in these things, it was a lot of fun. Nothing but fun. But all things considered: I’ve experienced it already. I know what it can do to my wellbeing. And I’ve almost cut my life short by the very thing I’m feeling tempted by. It would be the biggest fuck you to myself and to God, if I took that far of a step back especially after all the redemptions I’ve been given. Unfortunately, I will not be having that type of fun anymore. I got better.
There are some lessons that aren’t meant to be recurring. And as positive as it is to make personal and spiritual growth, sometimes getting better fucking sucks because now you know too much to comfortably make the choices you used to make. Which would turn a bad decision into a conscious regression. Sometimes it may sound easier to just stay where you are rather than unpack, clean up, and reconstruct certain parts of yourself. Gripe about it and then face it. Unfortunately, you got better.
